A Parody on an Election Speech, written for the 2010 General Election

Parody on an Election Speech

Friends, Britons, countrymen, lend me your beers, 

I come to suffer Clegg, not to praise him.

The voting that men do lives after them;

The MPs are oft destroyed by their decisions;

So let it be with the Lib Dems. The noble Cameron

Hath told you Clegg was ambitious;

If it were so, it was an unfortunate fault,

And badly Clegg hath borne it.

Here, under leave of the electorate and the rest - 

For the electorate are honourable beings;

So are they all, relatively normal people - 

Come I to speak at Clegg's demise.

He was charismatic, vocal in the coalition;

But Cameron said he was ambitious;

And the electorate are honourable folks.

They hath brought many candidates to the polls

Whose votes did they of the public seek;

Did this in Clegg seem ambitious?

When the AV vote fails, Clegg will weep;

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff;

Yet Cameron said he was ambitious;

And the electorate are moderately reliable folks.

You all did see that on the television

Cameron once offered him a depute PMship

Which he did accept; was this ambition?

Yet Cameron said he was ambitious;

And sure, the electorate are so-so.

I speak not to disprove what the electorate have shown

But I am here to speak what I do know.

You all did like him once, after the Leaders' Debates:

What cause withholds you then, to be upset for him?

O judgement! Thou are fled along with the referendum

And men have lost their faith. Bear with me;

My votes are in the bucket, there with my hopes,

And I must pause 'til I can find them.

(originally written 29-05-10)

An Ode to Network Sites

An Ode To Network Sites in the style of Rabbie Burns

(best read in a broad Scottish accent)

Oh the byspale joys of Facebook and Twitter,

The maist addictive things ohn ma compitter.

Ye mak me smile, ye mak me laugh,

But aince ahm ohn, ah cannae git aff.

 Ah, the bletheration that aboonds,

The bletherskates aa doin their roonds,

They really are a cantie bunch,

Taukin aboot wha they are hawin fir lunch.

Or mibby they're feelin a bit peelie-wallie,

Or they're haein a nicht oot at the ballet.

They post up their photies wi' a peerie wee tag

Fir aithers to "like", or jist tae brag.

Ah should hae been aff here a long while sin

But the clashmaclavers keep drawin me in.

Ma hoose is a midden, the dishes need done,

But time spent netwurkin' is much mair fun.